Today, I picked up a Kurt Vonnegut novel and read leisurely for the first time in ages. Omnivorously, I absorbed the ideas, and all the while, I could feel my neurons generating useful abstractions. The cobwebs, no longer silent, extolled what I had to say. In that instant, a being of intellectual merit emerged from the wreckage of phylogenetically ancient needs that had threatened for months to consume me with their nothingness.
A semester's worth of irremediable and agonizing mental health issues has made me grow weary of echoing evolutionary sentiments. I want to be human again, not a hominid with impulses.
No longer can I allow the incremental nature of the civil right’s movement to pile up on my shoulders. Tetris is a terminal illness from which I must abdicate responsibility.
Consequently, I have decided to step down from my internship with HRC, an action that completely contradicts my character in every way. It is scary when you partake in a life that you did not envision for yourself. But it is also comforting to know that you are capable of initiating action that is conducive to your health and ultimately, your happiness.
As soon as I walked out of that building, I experienced a growing inclination to make it in this world. The misery dissipated with each step that I took in the opposite direction. The snowball effect that had been accelerating my deterioration halted in its tracks.
I wrote the bulk of this sitting at a table in Bryant Park on 40th. As I wrote, a woman-presumably homeless-babbled incoherently about how we are all victims of brainwashing and mind control.
The harrowing realization that we share so much overlap in terms of statistical vulnerability-bouts spent with nowhere to live, battling mental health issues-served as a reminder that losing our rational elements is an event so very austere.
I must take care of my perspective, for it is all that we have in this world. It is our sole means of self-defense.
Right now, I must fix my perspective so that I can make a toast to wonderful things without alcohol and heal without being a victim. I want to spent this summer feeling inspired rather than insipid, dangerously sleep deprived, and useless.
Which is why I plan on doing something completely unpredictable and wonderful this summer. In addition to obtaining professional help, I think I am going to volunteer on a Native American reservation and go on a Spirit Journey. I am going to travel the country, explore, learn, and create a self that I am capable of finding later when times grow dark again.
It is time to reestablish the roots that my parents snapped like guitar strings and tap into the intravenous potential of my own path.
There are very few things in my life that I have quit; then again, my life has never really asked for much. All it asks for at this point is the feeling of safety, a reminder that no matter what happens, perspective will save you. How you choose to view things is more important than what actually occurs. You can alter your own universe instead of creating an alternative one.
I have decided to alter my universe. For once, I am going to take care of myself and devote a significant portion of my effort to healing.
There are so many options for caged birds that now can at least sing. No longer do I operate under the illusion that I am trapped. After all, even a bar can be bent in half by an unassuming body of water.
Hi Jordan -
ReplyDeleteI think your decision is great. Sometimes school, work, and our passions all leave very little room to just relax, be happy, and process things. You know what's best for you!
I just wanted to ask about your future plans to volunteer on a reservation. It seems like you're making a connection between reservation life/Native Americans and your spiritual journey. Is this true?
I think experiencing life through travel, meeting new people, and learning about different cultures are great ways to learn about ourselves and grow. But I also think we have to be careful not to idealize (and therefore marginalize) different cultural groups.
I say this only because stereotype of the "spiritual Native American" is quite common - and is problematic because it reflects an incomplete and reductive understanding of American Indian cultures, identities, and people.
To be clear, I think that if you did volunteer on a reservation, you would learn a great deal about yourself and others - the same way you could at a nursing home, at a homeless shelter, or...anywhere really. I actually spent some time (very little) in a small Cherokee community in eastern North Carolina recently; it was a great opportunity to learn about the issues faced by the community leaders and youths related to their multiple identities, experiences, and efforts (including preserving the Cherokee language, attending higher education, etc).
Anyway, my point is that you will learn and grow from all of your journeys and service within many and varying communities (including whichever Indian community you visit) regardless of their culture. After all, every community and individual has something to share with you (including the people we most despise, no?) AND vice versa (you are, after all, a thoughtful and engaging writer).
To go back to my original question, I might have just misunderstood your connection between your spiritual journey and your volunteerism. In that case, I apologize for writing about stuff you already know (but maybe some passersby will read and learn something new?). I also apologize for writing so much - I haven't written to thoughtfully communicate with someone in a while so thanks for dealing with my writing!
Once again, congratulations! I'm very happy for you and I hope you continue on this exciting, positive journey!