***The idea for writing this piece is based on a satirical essay by Jonathon Swift, in which he insists that the Irish should eat their own children. It is also based on the "Anti-Homosexuality Bill" that is being seriously considered by the Ugandan parliament.
It also happens to be my New Year's Resolution.
And in case you're stupid, it's a satire.
As food insecurity, poor harvests, drought, high infant mortality rates, HIV epidemics, and other health disasters continue to rock the nation of Uganda, a small country located in Central West Africa, it is imperative to direct one's attention to the most devastating calamity its people face thus far: multi-purpose mating.
That is correct, my fellow religious right. Years after our Undercover Agents discovered reproductive technology, also known as sex, and patented it as the only way to overpopulate the world, homosexuals are not only stealing our foolproof formula, but they are doing it wrong.
The beloved missionary position, the unspoken enjoyment of erotic Abercrombie and Fitch commercials, and modesty, also known as the perks of having pockets all the time, unless you're an animal, are all gravely threatened by the presence of the homosexual in Sub Saharan Africa.
This is why the Ugandan parliament should pass a piece of legislation entitled "The Anti-Homosexuality Bill" that, if enacted, would expand the criteria for criminalization of homosexual behavior, including the introduction of the death penalty in certain cases. In addition to incarcerating homosexuals for life, it is important to put to death anybody who engages in homosexual acts with a minor. Studies have also shown that when people have only one AID, they feel better. This is why it is important to curtail the number of AIDS that are being circulated throughout Uganda by putting any individual who is known to be HIV positive to death. As an incentive to not stay and watch, anyone who is aware of an offense or harbors top secret gay information must report the offender to the authorities within a 24 hour period, or face three years of imprisonment, one for the face and each ear on the silhouette of Mickey Mouse, who is definitely a queer. Finally, in order to correct the future gross maldistribution of gay amongst the Ugandan population, a preventative measure called castration, also known as a booster neuter, will be implemented.
This bill will make the distinction between "The offense of homosexuality" (which sounds like "offensive homosexuality" when pronounced quickly, also known as forgetting to invite everyone), and "aggravated homosexuality," or impatient gay energy that expects rights, which is a more severe offense. Additionally, this bill will cite statistical information supporting the assertion that all gay people are child molesters, from credible sources such as Paul Cameron, who has regretably been expelled from the American Psychological Association, the Canadian Psychological Association, and the American Sociological Association. Be warned, Western nations, that this is why God hates fags, America, Canada, and most forms of people.
These same Western nations have also threatened to withhold foreign aid from the Ugandan government on the grounds that it is a human rights violation to imprison people for their sexual orientation. It should be noted by these Western nations that said misunderstood detention facilities are really resorts bearing the prison name in order to receive tax breaks. A financially challenged country such as Uganda always has a keen eye for the economical.
So economical are Uganda's endeavors that instead of using slips of paper to label and organize the spines of books on library shelves, the government will instead utilize the ample arms of homosexuals by tattooing Dewey Decimal call numbers into their skin.
It is high time that we provide an answer to the Gay Question. It is high time that we exterminate the Gay Menace. They, the gays, are responsible for the rampant hunger in this region of the world because they are always swallowing. They enter the body in a variety of unconventional ways, including sodomy, and scabs. They become hairstylists so that they can masturbate peoples' heads under the guise of an honest living. Like bees, they dance in order to communicate the best ways to emerge from the closet, then publish their findings in a well known children's song called "The Hokey Pokey," as part of an orchestrated effort to corrupt the youth. They aim to obliterate all that is ugly by laminating beautiful young boys, converting them into MenU's, and projecting them onto a high pedestal, where they will demonstrate through dance, song, and theatre makeup the Soup of the Gay. Their most avid members have launched the "It Gets Better" project, which aims to spread the message that life should be long. This philosophy is not true for bananas, and it is most certainly not true for men who enjoy bananas and other phallic forms, including soft guitar cases, Florida, hitch hiker thumbs, John Kerry's caricature, and penises.
We must let not their influence infiltrate the homes and hearts of our honest African brothers. It is the responsibility of society to rise up and, collectively, instill traditional family values amongst all sectors of life. Because everyone knows it takes a heterosexual village to raise a heterosexual child.
This sounds like a satire straight from the pen of Kurt Vonnegut, but it is not. Kurt Vonnegut is dead. This is probably because he was gay.
With perseverence and sufficient drive, we will succeed at eliminating the homosexual from Africa, and from the world, forever.
We just need to keep our eye on the balls.
Hahaha ! Precious!
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